Who will fix me now?

Forget this healthy eating rainbow food and pass me the cake and anything and everything deep fried, because honestly, i’ve had enough.

Welcome back to my little corner of the internet. Long story short,I am FED UP…

I say long story short, like i’m not going to explain my entire battle since what feels like forever.. but it’s actually probably just a few months, but since lock down, it feels like it’s been a whole lot worst..

I work a lot, like A LOT – and i absolutely love it and wouldn’t change it for the world. I work in events and promote and host them and i honestly absolutely love it, i have the best team you can dream of – even if i am the only girl. I also work full time in hair and beauty, plus blogging, content creating and currently finishing 2 courses to qualify me and pass me for some really random stuff that i never thought i’d do.. but anyway…

So, Lock down, I have no clue of how to explain this, but maybe it’s been a blessing in disguise? The fact i work a lot means i never ‘STOP’. I don’t like stopping and i like jumping from one work to another, it’s my thing.

Throughout lockdown, and just before I felt really, really run down and just assumed i was tired and needed a good sleep. I was seeing someone new and was up until late messaging them, along with everything else i would usually do.

The start of lock down i had COVID-19. Luckily, i didn’t really have any symptoms other than being tired, run down, achey and i completely lost my sense of smell (which still isn’t back over 3 months later.. but according to my doctor, apparently it cant take up to 12 months! Mad isn’t it?!)

A few weeks ago, i finally saw one of my best friends (2m apart, obviously) and he said i wasn’t right, we picked up food and sat in the garden with my mom and step dad. I hadn’t really put makeup on but seeing JB and a actually leaving the house was bliss, i was SO excited.
I knew i’d been feeling really off and poorly, but i’d called the doctors a few weeks before and after a less than one minute phone call, they put me on a high dosage of anti depressants and sleeping tablets. To say these didn’t work nor did they agree with my body and stomach.. is an understatement. I rang the doctors and they said to keep taking them, i explained i was coming off them and would deal with the migraines, anxiety and every other symptom the best i could with things i could get over the counter.


The night i saw JB, i ended up in A&E… I was vomiting blood and i ACHED.

To say A&E is terrifying in lockdown, is an understatement. It’s terrifying, and i was put in what could only be described as a glass room / bubble.

The doctors and nurses were absolutely amazing and you could tell that they were tired, scared and just flat out exhausted too.

A few days before A&E, i really didn’t feel right, I felt heavy, my anxiety had been through the roof and i’d almost passed out in the shower…

Once i was in A&E, i had lots of tests and was discharged around 4am. I went home, and i finally slept for a few days. I was talking to Will, Jade, Alex, Elise and Caitlin as much as i could, but i was struggling every time I looked at my phone or a screen.
I’d wake up in the morning and the TV would still be on from the night before, but it would be on pause, it would stay like that for the entire day and i’d simply spend the day staring at my ceiling trying to make the migraines and aches go away…

About 3 weeks ago, it got BAD, and i can honestly say i’ve never felt so poorly in my life, but i didn’t want to worry anyone so i played it down, a lot. Will & my family knew i wasn’t 100% but i played down on poorly i felt – every morning it was the same thing that would go on all day –

  • Exhausted even if i’d slept well.
  • Dragging my right leg to the bathroom every morning – i didn’t have the energy to lift it.
  • Getting out the shower, feeling kinda normal until i brushed my teeth and had to sit on the floor to cool down..
  • Sitting in a towel, going dizzy, red hot, and my heart racing..
  • Almost passing out
  • Everything aching… every muscle in my entire body.
  • Swollen eyes, to the point they look like my eyeballs are going to fall out..
  • Room constantly spinning
  • Not being able to concentrate on anything what so ever
  • Losing weight (i’ve lost nearly 2 stone since the start of lockdown.. and i really didn’t have weight to lose…)
  • The shakes for hours .. to the point I can’t even cut my own food..
  • Deep scratches, that appear everywhere to the point i’m covered.
  • ITCHY. Body feels like its on fire.
  • Ache. Everything aches, all the time.
  • Anxiety through the roof to the point if anything went a different way in the morning when i was getting ready, i full on break down would come…

and literally so many more that i can’t even remember them..

You know that feeling, when you’re trying not to cry, and you hold it to the point your throat hurts – it’s that, all day, everyday.

I called the doctor again and explained, and he just didn’t listen in the slightest, I explained about my graves disease and my thyroid and he completely shrugged it off and put me on some other medication – that i didn’t even bother to pick up because this guy was just not listening.

The phone calls were lasting less than 2 minutes, how can you diagnose someone over the phone in less than 2 minutes?

I understand were in a pandemic, but come on..

(i’m frustrated.)

I gave up and left it a few days and played it down as much as physically possible, i was googling symptoms because at my last consultation for my thyroid they said ” it’s very rare for it to be an issue again once it’s treated in the way yours is being treated in”.

This was November – January time.

Last Friday i gave up, it got to the point where i was honestly questioning my own sanity and if it was in my head – ( the last time there was something wrong the receptionist at the doctors wouldn’t book me in for weeks and made out it was in my head… It wasn’t.)

So… I rang the doctors.. AND FINALLY someone actually looked at my notes! They saw my graves disease and said that it shouldn’t be that, but we’ll get some blood tests and Yesterday i had my tests, lots and LOTS of blood tests, weight checked (shock i’m underweight), blood pressure and some other stuff.. i can’t really remember what because although i have 99 tattoos.. i cannot do needles or blood… It’s very likely that i will pass out..

This morning, by 10am we’d been back and forth and after around 8 phone calls, 3 different phones between me and them.. i got results.

The last time i was poorly my T4 level was 72 .. it’s meant to be between 9-10..

This morning i was told it was 118.6.. instead of between 9-10.

I love the NHS, i appreciated the NHS – and i absolutely understand they are understaffed and we’re in the middle of a pandemic and theres bigger things than my health happening right now –

BUT it’s now got to the point where i questioned my own sanity.. and if this was now normal.. And all of this could have been dealt with months / weeks ago..

If someone had taken 30 seconds and read my notes. I’ve seen my notes, it says GRAVES DISEASE at the top. It would have taken literally, 30 seconds and little effort and i wouldn’t have felt this low, worthless.. and basically insane.

I’m picking up medication tomorrow – medication thats for someone that weighs at least double of my weight, because they’re worried about my T4 levels as they’re dangerous..

As soon as i got results, I went for a shower and i cried.. not even sad cry, or happy cry.. just relief that i’m not insane.

YOU know your own body, so if something is wrong, ask for a second, third, fourth opinion – I should have and if i had i wouldn’t be i the mess i am right now..

I’ve tried to play it down so much to absolutely everyone i’m close with or in contact with that knows i don’t feel 100%.. but i can’t actually explain how just SHIT i feel.

Rant over, I honestly do appreciate the NHS… but right now, i’m kinda confused and angry and honestly? I don’t have the energy for it.

I just wanna eat carbs, not ache, watch netflix and sleep. Please?

So.. hows your lock down?

Bees xo

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