“Could you hold me without any talking?”

Hey Guys,
Welcome back to my little corner of the internet.

This is possibly the most intense, personal and maybe quickest blog post I’ve ever written, and am I going to regret it in an hours time? Almost certainly, and am I going to keep typing really badly with awful grammar?
Yes. Yes I am.

We’re gonna head straight into this, and save the faffing.. Due to COVID-19, I’ve had near enough 8 months off work and I got into a new relationship near enough 3 weeks before lockdown even started, so the majority of my relationship so far has been in lockdown.

Every relationship I’ve been in before this one I’ve been cheated on, to the point I thought it was me and my fault.
Whether that was fake twitter profiles to pay for photos of other girls, physically cheating on me when they went for a “lads weekend” down south, or making me get a tattoo with them to be dumped and cheated on 2 hours later… who knows! It’s all pretty shitty though.

Please understand, I’m not saying that men are trash, women cheat too, and it’s exactly the same and just as shitty.

When I’m in a relationship, not just a relationship but friendships too, I put my all in, so when it’s not received back, I end up being the one that gets hurt a lot, and things that probably shouldn’t be taken to heart and personal, are.
Like really, I’m your biggest cheerleader and I’ll do anything I can do make things okay.

I’ve been in my current relationship for near enough 9 months now, and I’m getting to the point where I’m doing things I’m not meaning to do, like push him away, get anxious 24/7; and basically, I’m waiting for him to leave.

We’ve been through a hell of a lot since we got together, including 100+ prank calls a night at all hours, fake instagram accounts, fake tinder profiles, psychopath girls getting involved and spiking our drinks in a club. Yeah, you heard that correctly.. Basically, a lot.
And what sucks the most is that even if we bicker, or argue it’s always because of other people and we’ve let them get in the middle of us, which trust me is the worst possible thing you can do.

“You didn’t love her, you just didn’t want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or maybe, she made you feel better about your miserable little life. But you didn’t love her, because you don’t destroy the people you love.”

I think when you’ve been cheated on or treated badly you get to the point where you’re not really sure who to trust and who to listen to. People that are meant to be your best friend one day can drop you and completely forget about you when you need them the most.

I’ve had the best possible weekend with Will this weekend, but you know what’s still there, annoyingly?
That feeling that I’ve done something wrong even though I know deep down I haven’t.
He has so much patience for all of this, he doesn’t think twice, he just makes it better, but should this even be his responsibility?

It isn’t just men that cheat, of course it isn’t, I mean look a the Johnny Depp and Amber case? People trying to tear into Johnny for retaliating, when Amber did things that was so evil, all the physical abuse but the mental abuse too.

But I guess that’s what cheating is isn’t it? It’s evil.

When you cheat on someone it’s deeper then you think. It’s deeper then what anybody realises, It destroys their outlook on love, their future relationships and their peace within themselves.

If you’re not happy, Leave. You say it’s not that simple but it is, it’s exactly that simple.

I was cheated on and left an entire life, a house, a future, everything you can imagine.
But this has also made me really good at running away from things that I don’t need to run away from.
I am the absolutely worst at explaining what’s wrong when somethings upset me, and I know I need to do better with that, if someone upsets me I’ll walk away and ignore them until I have to speak to them, and I know that isn’t healthy but it’s my way of doing things.

I BEG YOU, if you’ve fucked up in someones life, don’t keep popping up, leave them be. Don’t follow them on instagram, stop with the fake profiles on twitter and Facebook, just leave them be.

Anxiety is a bitch, why would anyone want to add to that? I guess I don’t really know where I’m going with this post, but I also just needed to finally write it and put it out there and get it off my chest.

I am so in love right now, it’s new, it’s terrifying and honestly?
I’m happy, even when I’m grumpy, I’m happy, he’s my biggest fan and biggest supporter with everything and anything, it doesn’t matter how big or small it is – he’s always there.
but at the same time I have absolutely no idea what the fuck I’m doing, I mess up almost every single day if not twice a day and for some reason Will’s still about – but at the same time I’m trying to do my best every second of every day and I’m really hoping he gets that.

I’d do anything to fuck this entire lockdown off and sit and pretend to watch films whilst I’m actually watching him play zombies and I’m attempting to get some tips from it.. Will’s assignments in this week and I’m back at work, so hopefully this means I can just chill for an evening and shoot some more zombies than him.. this is the dream anyway, we’ll see how it goes.

I guess what I’m tryna say is, every single action has a consequence. Even if you don’t think it’s a big deal; it could be massive to somebody else. Do the right thing, don’t be a dick. So, that’s my rant over, happy Sunday.

Bees x

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Food | Travel UK Based Coeliac | Gluten Free Life Graves Disease IBS & ED Recovery I Hate Mushrooms.

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